author – Chronically Living

Chronic Pain and Trying to Produce More

As the second post in the October linkup, I decided to use the prompt of producing. Why? Because I have started and plan on continuing creating more and more content and a few other goodies in the next while. However, sometimes chronic pain, fatigue, and the mass amount of appointments I have coming up, get in the way of what I want to do. Luckily, I’m not working right now, but with school there is a lot of work, so factoring that plus exercise and trying to keep my body as “healthy” (silly term when dealing with chronic illness) as possible, and volunteering between 4-8 hours a week, I find that I run out of time in the day as quickly as I ever have!

Image from: https://www.forbes.com/sites/gabrielshaoolian/2018/06/13/how-to-actually-market-your-content-marketing-initiatives/#77e2a40021f9
Linkup URL: https://www.achronicvoice.com/2020/09/28/october-linkup-2020/

Let’s start with what I have been doing. First of all, I’ve been putting out weekly blog posts like these for a few years now. I love it and will continue to do it (I hope you all love it too!). In the summer (or was it spring?) I started to bring you weekly Sunday video content as well. These I am usually able to record and edit at least a few weeks in advance. Did anyone ever mention how much work editing is? I feel like film editors do not get enough props! And I’ve started to bring some premium content (paid membership… i’m not working right now…) which is honestly worth the small investment you’d put in because that content is top notch! Of course, I have my podcast, Chronically Living and how to make the most of it. I love podcasting and have a ton of topics written down. This does involve planning (I like to have a solid outline for solo episodes, and there is tons of planning involved in interviewing), and while enjoyable, it is work! I also co-host another podcast (Into Everything with Pete and Kels) that is pretty light and fun (great if you’re looking for something pop culturey/easy-listening) but again that involves a lot of work (slightly less because my co-host splits the work with me).

Now, what do I have coming up? Well, remember when I wrote that book in the spring? I still need to edit it (I started but then stopped due to lack of time) and write a proposal because I would like to get it published instead of self-publishing. And then there is the children’s book I wrote, which my friend is illustrating for me. We plan on self-publishing that one but will probably need a GoFundMe campaign to cover the costs (it’s about a diabetic dog and is a great way to talk to children about chronic illness). Finally, I want to create some merch to sell, but that is a project and a half indeed. Create, create, create is the name of the game right now.

If you enjoy this blog, definitely check out my podcast!

I did mention some of my roadblocks (time, money) but there are others that I encounter. One big one is fatigue. If I don’t get what I need to get done before supper, I’m pretty much out of the game afterwards. Sometimes I can do some promo pic creation in the evening but that’s about it. And honestly, resting is part of self-care so I don’t get upset with myself for needing it, yet at the same time, I wish I could do more in a day. The second roadblock is pain. The weather is starting to change so my body is freaking out, plus my hip tear makes it hard to sit for more than about an hour at a time (I probably should have a standing desk now that I think of it so at least I could alternate positions). Finally, I seem to have a lot of appointments. Okay, this is mainly because I only have benefits until mid-January, but I’m probably moving at the end of December (I’ll let you all know when it’s official) so I really only have them until about the end of the 3rd week of December. Next week for example, I have an appointment with a surgeon on Monday, psychotherapy on Wednesday, chiropractor on Thursday, and massage therapy on Friday. Busy!

His snuggles used to make me feel better when I was tired or in pain. RIP my baby.

Will this stop me from getting everything I want to get done? Possibly. Or possibly a bit of it, but it won’t stop me from trying to create when I can, because that’s what I love to do.

Taking a Break with Family

As I titled this I realized some people might automatically read “from” family which is 100% not what I’m going for. Rather, taking a break from all of the other things in life to spend time WITH family, is something some of us probably need right now (some of you may have just spent the past 6 months locked up with your family and may need the opposite type of break)! I needed the break for a couple of reasons: (1) I live far from the rest of my family, (2) because of the pandemic this is the longest I’ve gone without seeing them, (3) work has been hella stressful (also due to the pandemic), and (4) while your support system can include many other people, mine also includes my family.

Me and the bros in Kalamalka Park, BC. Epic hike!

And so, I risked it and went on a plane, taking me from Ontario to BC. (To be honest the airlines are doing a decent job at making travel as safe as possible and all passengers seem to consider safety important). Both of my brothers live in BC with their partners, and it was my younger brother whom I stayed with. The trip itself was a mix of physical activity (hiking, kayaking, yoga – all my faves) and chill time (eating and drinking at wineries and pubs, and watching movies).

Yoga day at a winery overlooking Lake Okanagan.

There are two parts of my trip that I valued the most. One was hanging out with my younger brother, both the first day I got in when we just toured around town and caught up on what’s been going on with one another, and then when we binge watched three movies back-to-back on Sunday night because we both love movies. The other was when my older brother and his wife joined the other three of us on a hike, winery tastings, and dinner, allowing us all to spend some time together. Interestingly it is my older brother I’ve seen the most of during the past few years as his work often brings him to Toronto to visit. Because of Covid-19, his company has restricted travel until the new year.

Having a mental break and spending it with people I love was so important. I maybe pushed a bit too hard on some of the hikes but it made me rethink where I want to be in the near future, and to be honest, I never consider change a bad thing. We’ll see where the future takes each of us.

If I can also get some thoughts, prayers, whatever you personally do for Spike I would really appreciate it. He is at the vet, having been extremely sick over the past 18 hours.

When Spike was feeling much better on his 11th birthday a few weeks ago.

Keeping Track of Your Mental Health

As my many of my fellow chronic illness warriors know, mental health struggles such as depression and anxiety are real…ly common . Not that they are necessarily constant, though the can be. I actually do a whole episode of my podcast on mental health and it’s relation to chronic illness, so feel free to check that out for more info. For today however, I want to take a look at one element of our mental health, which is commonly experienced by everyone (seriously everyone) whether or not they have another underlying physical or mental illness. Negative automatic thoughts (or NATs).

Image from: https://www.cbtcognitivebehavioraltherapy.com/what-is-automatic-negative-thoughts-ants/

NATs are those subconscious thoughts that you don’t realize you’re having until you do (and even then you may not realize that’s what they are). It’s the thoughts of “I suck,” “how could I be so stupid,” “what an idiot I am,” “why am I dumb enough to say that,” etc, etc, etc. Are they accurate thoughts? Usually not. But we all have them from time to time (or more often, but we’ll get to that in a minute). These thoughts, according to cognitive behavioural therapy, can lead to anxiety and depression. Why? Because our thoughts cause our feelings. If we keep telling ourselves that we are “stupid” or “not good enough” or whatever terrible thing we say to ourselves, we will (a) start to believe it, and (b) feel upset about it. Makes sense right?

Image from: https://iveronicawalsh.wordpress.com/2012/03/18/the-vicious-circle-of-negative-auto-pilot-thinking/

If you’ve gone to a CBT therapist, you may have experience with thought records. Basically, this is a sheet (or note on your phone) where you record your thought and your feeling every time you have one of these negative automatic thoughts. The point is twofold. First, it’s to see how often you are having these thoughts and what emotions are connected to them. Second, it allows you the opportunity to begin changing these thoughts. If you can catch yourself saying “I’m stupid” then you can change it to, “you know that may have not been the smartest choice to make but I’ve learned from it so I won’t do it again.” Or more simply, “I’m not stupid, I’m smart, I just did a silly thing.” To be honest, this is a much harder skill to learn than it seems, but it can be done.

Image from: http://www.allaboutdepression.com/workshops/CBT_Workshop/CBT_12.html

Changing these thoughts into positive ones instead of negative is an ultimate act of self-love. To be honest, since I started to practice this a few years ago, I have less NATs than I did before. Yes, they still pop up, but I can catch myself and reframe the thought because I know that the thought isn’t true. I encourage everyone to try to keep track of your thoughts for awhile so you can catch these nasty little NATs and try to take some ownership of your mental health through self-love.

How’s Your Pain Today?

I always have a million topic ideas in my head (well technically I write them down on Stickies because I don’t want to forget them) but I often end up going with something currently relevant to me because, well, it just makes more sense to. As I’ve mentioned before, in addition to fibromyalgia (and maybe lupus) I also have a tear of the anterior labrum (hip) – I’ll throw in a picture of what that looks like). This tear is brutal. Initially my rheumatologist told me that it could be taken care of with physio and if that doesn’t work, then surgery. She asked me if I’d like a referral to the surgeon, to which I said yes. This was March 2020. About a week before Covid-19 really went for it and we started shutting everything down, including “elective” surgeries (because is a surgery that will take away pain really elective?).

Image from: https://eorthopod.com/labral-tears-of-the-hip/

Anyway, the pain has normally been around a 7 in my hip. I’ve been doing physio (virtual) since the end of March and while my physiotherapist is amazing (check out my podcast), it also doesn’t really seem to be helping with this particular problem. Fast forward to last week Thursday when I leaned against a counter at work while I was talking to my boss… and I happened to learn right against the tear. Talk about excruciating pain running down my entire leg – hip to ankle! But I sucked it up and stayed at work and powered through. The pain now around an 8.

Even with pain at an 8 I can still enjoy the great outdoors (Niagara on the Lake, Ontario)

Fast forward to Monday, when I’m doing my normal hardcore workout. It’s an upper body one, so I’m not too concerned because my hip is normally fine on these workouts (sometimes I have to adjust lower body and full body workouts to accommodate my hip). Well, as I moved to get out a position, I heard and felt a “pop.” This seemed like my hip popped in and out of place (though upon some research I read that’s not really a thing that happens, so I’m not sure what exactly happened). Now the pain is a 9. I went to work Monday and Tuesday, and then got a doctor’s note for a week off from today (Wednesday) through next Wednesday.

Spike is a good nurse.

So how can I still smile and laugh through all of this? First of all, that’s not always easy. I have to frequently change my position (standing, sitting, walking, lying) in order to feel comfortable because I can’t really be in any of them for too long. At the end of the day though, I can sit and feel sorry for myself (or be hard on myself because technically it’s my own fault it got worse) or I can (a) be productive and constantly call the hospital to see if they can do this type of surgery now, and (b) realize that pain, even chronic pain, is a temporary sensation. I can do meditations that focus on physical pain (which I did this morning), I can write a blog post, I can rest, and I can still have a life with this, because the other option is to not and I refuse to do that.

Upo reserch, this is the type of surgery that needs to be done. Image from: https://orthoinfo.aaos.org/en/diseases–conditions/slap-tears/

How are you all feeling about your pain today?

Also, if you haven’t yet checked out my podcast – Chronically Living and how to make the most of it (Apple Podcasts and Spotify), the latest episode is on Pelvic Health. I would really appreciate some reviews and ratings for it (plus I have a little promotion going for that – see my Instagram @janeversuspain for more details).